Worries!

I find myself constantly having panic attacks these days.  I have read in my pregnancy books that this is a common thing, but didn't think it would happen to me.  The hubs thinks that I am freaking out for nothing, and it is hard to explain to him my fears.

My first fear was that I wasn't really pregnant but just getting super fat; almost as if I had a giant tumor growing in my abdomen.  Here is the point where my mother would give me a dirty look and say not to call her grand baby that, but I really felt this way.  I was super excited on my first and second ultrasound to see the critter as I call him, look like he should.  So first fear subsided but didn't go away totally.  It just went into the back of my brain replaced by fear number 2.

Fear number 2 was that my baby would be damaged because of my job.  I am a research chemist, and have taken all kinds of precautionary measures to guard myself and baby.  But then you hear the stories.  Stories about how they knew someone with my job and their kid got autism...great I think because not only do I have that job, but I am having a boy.  And boys are 4 times more likely than girls to get it.  I rationalize to myself that autism doesn't run in my family, but then the fear of they don't know what causes autism creeps up.  So now every time I do something in the lab at work, I pray God keep my baby safe.  Again the hubby thinks I have lost it and that baby boy will be just fine, but I can't help the panic attacks.

Fear number 3 was that my life is going to change and I am going to have no friends and no life.  Besides the fact that I think that my baby is going to have a disability, I think that I am going to be trapped at home with no relief.  People have even questioned my decsion to come back to work and put my kid in daycare.  They say "You aren't going to want to leave that baby" or "You won't be doing that once the baby comes."  Come on people give me a break...I already think those things.  I don't need to be reminded.  I second guess every decsion we have made regarding junior here.  Even though we have picked and have a spot at one of the best daycares in the city, I still ask the hubsand if we made the right choice.  I just think that if I were to be a stay at home mom, I woud feel trapped and resentful.  Now, I am glad I have the option if I change my mind, and I am glad that their are people out there that choose that and succeed.  I just don't see myself as one of them.

Fear number 4 was fear of being a terrible mother.  I have these wonderful ideas of parenting, but I wonder if they are wonderful or harmful.  They line up with parenting books ideas, and it isn't like I haven't been around kids, taught kids, and run kids programs.  But, I don't want to screw up my kids life.  To that people say "It doesn't matter you are going to anyway." Well thanks, that sort of gives me the confidence booster I need.  I am grateful for those who tell me I am going to be a great mom, but I really want to ask them how they know.  Because I don't???  I want to be a fun mommy who cares, is there for and supports my child.

Probably my biggest fear of them all is Fear number 5.  The fear of losing control.  I know right, me a control freak, who would have guessed that?  It was hard when I gave my control of my life to God, but that was the greatest decision I ever made.  Granted it was well after I had accepted Christ, I just had to be reminded that my life is not my own.  The question remains, can I do the same when it comes to my child?  Can I give God the control and seek his wisdom and listen and do what he speaks?  I worry that I won't be able to, and that my child will suffer because I didn't listen, I didn't obey, and I didn't have enough faith.

I find comfort from these:

Psalm 68:19
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.
Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Philippians 4:6-7
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus

1 Peter 5:7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.