My Struggle

My struggle my whole life has been my weight. I would probably be shocked to know that there might be people out there that wish they looked like me but I wish I could look in the mirror and not see a fat girl. I do not know my weight, I refuse to know the number. I don't even look when I get on the scale at the doctors office; I shut my eyes. My doctor chuckles, and only ever tells me that I am healthy as a horse. Could she have used another animal please, a skinny one?

I was a fat kid when I was in grade school, which has led to this adult obsession with my weight and how I look in the mirror and in my clothes. I think my husband has given up on trying to convince me otherwise, he just tells me every day that he thinks I am beautiful and wouldn't change a thing about me. (I often think he is deranged)!

I don't want to look like a super model, I just want clothes to fit me right and to walk in a store and have most of the clothes I try on fit the way they are supposed to. I am hippy, and short wasted, with skinny legs (my good feature) and a big chest (good and bad feature). I have to buy shirts that fit in the chest but are like tents every where else. Cute bra/underwear sets, they don't have those in my size ( or as a Victoria Secret sales girl once said we don't have anything here for you, have you tried our catalog?) Am I forced to catalog shop because I am a weird shaped/sized person who can't fit into normal clothes in the department store?

It isn't like I don't exercise. I am pretty good about trying to exercise for at least an hour a day 3 to 4 times a week. I think that is pretty good. Although I should probably do this everyday, it isn't like the days I don't spend my hour doing an exercise routine that I am eating bonbons by the gallons and watching hours and hours of tv. I do other things.

I don't eat too many bad for me things. I try really really hard not to buy bad things at the store and bring them into the house. If I want something I don't deprive myself but do things in moderation which is what all the books, articles, workout people, etc are telling us to do. I get up every morning and do some sort of crunches, push ups, or sit ups to get the blood going to start my day, and still I hate my body.

My church has recently started a Made to Crave bible study by author Lysa Trekeurst. It focuses on Craving God not food. It is supposed to go along with whatever diet and exercise plan you have decided works bests for you. Now I cannot attend the bible study itself because I teach a different class on the night they meet, but the lovely ladies of the class have let me join their online fb group while I do the study at home.

I hope and pray that this is the missing link. That this will teach me to appreciate my body because God doesn't make mistakes. We are all wonderfully and beautifully made by Him. I know he loves me, but hates that I have placed food and the pleasure from food above him. I have so far read the introduction and first chapter and completed the first personal bible study. I find it interesting that the author compared our food struggle with the first struggle of sin. Eve was tempted by food (the fruit from the forbidden tree). She was not starving for God had provided her with everything she would need for nutrition, yet she desired the one thing that she was not supposed to have. I think it is time to deny my french fries, my second portions, and my just one more mentality (these are my crosses) and follow my God and Savior with all I have. Or at the very least begin my journey to accomplish this.

I will keep you posted as to what I learn!